Hercules and The High School
by GillyRose
Summary: Cass visits Delphi and brings home some of the sacred vision-inducing "pneuma" to share with her gang...and soon all of Pro Ac is turned on and tuned in. And it's Herc to the rescue when Hades finds out!


**Hercules... and the _High_ School**

**{Rated PG 13)**

Icarus bounced happily into the Cafeterium, spinning two pomagranates on the tips of two fingers simutaneously while balancing his lunchtray on top of his head. He spun around and did a little pirouette {and this is not easy}while he tossed the tray onto the table with a clatter and threw the pomagranates to Herc, who caught them with a smile.

"Well... _you're_ in a pretty good mood today!"

"And why should I _Not_ be?"... Icarus leapt up on top of the table and threw his arms dramaticaly in the air with the style of a great orator, oblivious to the puzzled stares of the other 200 students in the room.

"Apollo is shining brightly, the _Love _of my life has won an all-expense-paid-weekend-for-two-getaway {wink wink!}and we're having liver-and-squid stuffed grape leaves for lunch. YES! It's a Great day to be _Icarus!"_

Herc's eyebrows shot up. "Cassandra? Entered a contest?..._Our_... Cassandra?"

"Well...let's just say... a concerned and interested party entered her in the contest..._ without_ her... knowing."

"Icarus!...how _could_ you!"

"As they say in Egypt..."Tut, tut!"...you have'nt heard the whole story!"

"Uh, huh...this oughta be good..." Herc leaned over, rested his chin in his hand and waited.

"Ok...so?"

Icarus jumped down off of the table and sat himself on the bench.

"Well, see...Cassie's name was entered...{by this concerned and interested party} in the Prophecy Contest given by the Oracle Friends Network to advertise the launch of their new magazine..."'Seer's Catalogue?" I mean, come on, what could be more perfect?"

"Makes sense."

"And Cassandra actually lost, 'cause no one would believe her when she said there'd be a minor bout of food poisoning in the Cafeterium last Tuesday."

"That's not a prophecy...that's a_ given."_

"Touche! but the fact remains that there actually _was _a minor bout of food poisoning in the Cafeterium last Tuesday. The winner got sick, so Cass gets to go in her place. By default. Did'nt that work out nicely?"

Herc grinned. "If I did'nt know better I 'd say _you _were working in the kitchen that day!"

Icarus shot him a look."Now that... really hurts!...I am ...shocked to my very foundations that you would harbour such a devient and disloyal suspicion on my behalf...actually...now I kinda wish I'd thought of it. But...no matter...all's well that ends well!"

Herc nodded. "And here's the our little winner now...Hi, Cassandra!"

Cass came over to their table and slid her tray down, jostling Herc over a bit.

"Hi yourself. I take it Big Mouth here has already spread the news?"

"Oh, my adored BunnyKins! I knew you could do it!I knew you had a future in futures!"

"No, you can't come with me."

"WHAT?Pul-eeezzzeee!"

"This is'nt a pleasure trip{which would rule you out automatically, by the way} It's a fact-finding tour and I hope to get some serious input about where I want to wind up in a few years."

"You know where yer going to wind up in a couple of years...as "Mrs. Icarus," mother to our large, loving and ever multiplying brood!"

Cassandra blanched."What an utterly nightmarish and appalling thought. I ...I ...hmmm...you know I can't even _think _of a comeback to that one?"

Herc laughed. "So... who are you taking?"

"No one. I'm going alone. I'm just going to ask for an upgrade and go in style."

"Well," said Herc, "good for you, Cass, I hope you have a great time. Should be interesting."

"Thanks." She glanced over at Icarus, who was sulking into his stuffed grapeleaves.

"Oh, cheer up, I promise I'll bring you a toy."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really."

Ick elbowed Herc and whispered."Ya see?...You just know she _wants_ me!"

**_Bob The Narrator: "And so Cassandra journeyed {First Class} to that far off land beyond Mount Parnussus, and came to the fabled Center of the Earth, the Omphalmos, aka the "world's bellybutton." It was the spot where two eagles, set free by Zeus had met, after flying from two opposite directions { presumably at the exact same speed for the exact same amount of time.}_**

There, she was greeted by representatives of The Sibl, who brought her to her quarters, presented her with a lovely giftbasket and handed her a scheduale of events. And soon after a sumptuous banquet { peacock brains, milk-fed snails and sow's womb stuffed with sea urchins, _yum_}Cassandra, found herself walking arm in arm with the greatest Oracle of the age...The Sibyl herself. They strolled along a beautifully landscaped garden walk overlooking the temple and the sparkling sea beyond.

Cassandra leaned over the marble railing and gazed in awe at the world's holiest sanctum.

"So... this is Delphi."

The Sibl nodded. "Yes. Zeus declared that this was the very middle of the Earth, and placed the Omphalmos Stone here in honor of the spot. Today it is known as "The Place of the Dolphins"...or "Delphi"...because when Apollo consecrated it as a center for Prophecy he sent dolphins out to guide fisherman back here to become priests for his temple. Some say he still turns himself into a dolphin from time to time to keep new priests coming."

"But the Oracle is always a woman?"

"Yes. Everyone agrees women are instinctually more aware of vibrations in the atmosphere. They are more empathetic, more intuitive and possess a keener sensitivity to the whispers of the gods. And they will ask directions if they have to."

By now they had approached the great marble throne, elaborately carved, and situated over a long narrow crack in the inlaid floor. Cass had thought it was earthquake damage, and from the noxious odor that seeped up through the ground it appeared there was a broken sewer line as well. She flinched as they grew closer to the throne.

_"Whoa!_ what's that stench?"

The Sibl smiled. "That "stench" is the essence of the Great Python." The priestess lowered her eyes. "Eons ago... the Great Python, daughter of the goddess Gaia, was killed in a fiercesome battle by the Divine Apollo...and her body still rots underneath the throne."

"...And they have'nt cleaned it up **_yet?"_**

"Her eternally decomposing body lets off the fumes that inspire the Oracle to read the Destiny of Man."

Cassandra stopped short. "So...that's_ it?_ All the advice that you have been giving people for decades is a result of breathing in the rotting fumes of a big dead snake? That's where you're getting your information from?"

"Precisely. Impressive, is'nt it?"

"No...but it does explain a lot."

The Sibyl smiled."I think you underestimate the powers of the "pneuma." Try to understand and respect it's affect on our minds...and our destinies...It takes many years of study and experiance to interpret the pneuma correctly. The Divine Apollo sends us his messages through these visions and we the gifted interpret them for Mankind. It is a grave and great responsibility."

"Ohh...well...I suppose if you put it that way...I usually just get a terrible headache and my eyes go all swirly and green."

"You have great potential, Cassandra. I see you doing great things ...in the future."

"May I sit on the Throne?"

"No...no," said the Sibyl..."only the wisest and most experianced Oracles may sit on The Throne and partake of the "pneuma."You have great potential...but you are still not ready..Perhaps someday, when you have graduated from school... you may come to serve here...and then...we will see."

They continued down the corridor and paused by a great pair of doors at the end of the hall.

"What's in there?" asked Cass.

"That is the Department of Potions and Nostrums. Essentially...a chamber of magic.""

"Can we go in?"

"Emphatically, no. That's there we store all the knowlege of our natural world...the nostums and potions and scrolls and medicines that contain all mankind's information...well...what we know to is a forbidden room, and must only be entered by chosen professionals who know what they're doing. Any of the things in there that fell into the wrong hands could do terrible damage... the world's most dangerous things are in there."

Cassandra nodded and they passed on to other places and things of interest, although nothing piqued her curiosity more than that chamber of secrets.

And so the weekend passed by quickly. It was fun, and it was informative, and Cassandra learned a lot. As we said, she would have liked to taken a look into that magic chamber, but other than that she was well pleased with her tour, and left with a happy feeling of a job well was actually looking forward to going home and telling the gang all about her adventure.

But at the last moment, {as she was packing her bags and checking everythig twice }she remembered that she had'nt quite said her official goodbyes. It was only proper etiquette, of course, to leave a thankyou offering at the temple, a little something extra for all the special trouble they had gone through for her, something every well brought up Greek girl would have done. So she purchased some garlands and myrtle and incense at a vendor's down the street, and ran back into the temple to make her offering. It would'nt take long.

She laid the garlands over the altar, and clasped her hands in silent prayer for a moment. Then she rose and turned to leave.

She stopped short as she saw a lone object lying on the polished temple floor.

It was a key. A bronze key... in the shape of a griffin and ...it was just lying there. Cassandra picked it up and turned to call out for someone, figuring it was important and needed to be restored immediately to it's owner...but something... stopped her. It occurred to her...that the only place that needed to be locked around here was the Potion Chamber, and that...was an intriguing concept. She stared down at the key in her hand for a moment, admiring it's graceful griffin shape, and could only think of one thing. _When would she ever get another chance like this?_

The great bronze door yielded slowly, and Cass had to push with all her strengh for several moments just to get it to open a crack. They sure didn't want to make this too easy, she thought. Finally she widened enough to slip her slender body through and she then carefully closed the door behind her. And now...now she found herself in the Potion Chamber, dimly lit with torches, and lined from top to bottom with hundreds and hundreds of little niches carved into the living stone.

Here was the wisdom of the ages, here... was the world's pharmacy. Here was every potion known to man and god. There were jars and bowls and boxes and vases. She took a torch from the wall and wandered about the chamber in a trance. There was a huge black cauldon in one corner, and something that looked like a spinning wheel in the other, although Cass had never seen one before and was'nt sure what it was. There were chests of parchments and amphoras filled with scrolls. She picked one up entitled Shepard's Journal...A Guide to Atlantis but got bored and put it down quickly, and continued her exploration. There seemed to be cures for everything from dandruff to a broken heart to scorpion stings. There were poisoned apples that put you to sleep forever. There was a mighty sword of gold stuck in a big rock all the way up to it's hilt. There was a large glass dome with a beautiful living red rose floating...just floating... in the air inside of it...there was a bowl of glittering dust that twinkled and sparkled in the torchlight...there was a golden oil lamp, the kind that Genies lived in...there was a large conical blue hat covered with silver stars. She picked up one small box and read the label. "Contains One Mermaid Voice." She found on one shelf a piece of large dried mushroom with a label tied to it that said ..."One side will make you bigger, one side will make you smaller," and next to it there was a small dried up looking thing like a biscuit that said "Eat Me"...and next to that was a tiny glass bottle that said "Drink Me," although she could not quite make out the rest of the label. And next to _that_... she saw a small bronze vial that said "Breathe Me. Python Pneuma." And _that's_ when her heart skipped a beat. She reached straight for the vial with the pneuma, and stared at it with forbidden fascination...Omigods...there it was...the same stuff that was under the throne...the _exact_ same stuff...for her to try... Just a little sniff! she only wanted to see what it was like, just once!...what harm could it do?... but... what if she was discovered? someone could come by any moment...what if someone saw her? that... would be distinctly awful...Perhaps... maybe...she should just take the whole thing and bring it back home with her, and indulge her curiosity in the privacy of her own room. Yes...that could work...but her Inner Voice ... that little Inner Voice we all have{or should} intervened and condemned her with the truth.

**_It's stealing. You are a thief._**

No...she countered, it's not really stealing, after all, she was in training to be an Oracle herself... it's not like she was just any old person coming off the street!...

_**It's still stealing.**_

But she had won a contest!...and she was a legitimate seer who needed to do research! this was'nt stealing, it was ...like...like doing homework!yes! it was extra credit!

**_They trusted you._**

And I'm not going to do anything bad with it, I'm only going to try it... once. And it's not like they did'nt have plenty more where that came from, right? there was a whole great big dead fat frigging snake still left in the ground...and it's not _my_ fault someone dropped the key on the floor for me to find...in fact...how do I know that was'nt done on _purpose?_

**_Now you are rationalizing._**

She frowned, and stubbornly turned her thoughts away from any hint of common sense. The vial glinted in the torchlight and the words on the label beckoned. In the end, the temptation proved to be too strong. Cass shut her Voice up with one final descision.

**_I know what I'm doing. _**

And...as if in a dream, she reached her hand out and plucked the vial from it's niche, secreting it in the folds of her dress and walking swiftly out the chamber door. She nodded politely at the guards on the outside of the temple and they nodded in return. She climbed into the waiting litter, and proceeded to travel back to Athens with the stolen prize securely in her possession. Her heart was pounding. She had gotten away with it! No one knew she had it...No one had a clue. Not even the Oracle of Delphi suspected... that Cassandra had stolen the world's most dangerous thing.

It was'nt too long before Cass found herself back in Athens, seated at one of the outdoor tables of Speedy Pita and recounting her visit with her two companions.

"So... how was Delphi?" asked Herc genially. "Didja learn anything new?"

Icarus nodded. "Yeah! Hey, where's my toy?"

"Oh al_right,_ I promised... as a matter of fact, I have something right _here_ for you to play with."

"I know _that._... but where's my toy?"

"Herc, will you hit him for me?...Hard?

Herc just laughed.

Cass frowned. "What... is the use of being friends with the world's strongest teenager if you don't beat people up when I tell you to?"

"Ok no, really, what_ do_ you have there?"

Cass pulled the small bronze vial from her sleeve, and carefully looked around to make sure no one was looking.

"OK. I'll show you this...but keep it down, OK?"

"What is it?"

"It's a vial from the Temple, from Delphi," she said in a hushed whisper. "It contains an actual chunk of the Python that gives off magical fumes...the "pneuma"...it's how they get their visions!"

The boy's eyes opened wide. Icarus gasped.

"Sweet Apollo on a Flaming Chariot...How did you get_ your_ hands on it?"

"I snuck some out, while no one was looking!"

Herc shook his head. "Cassandra! that's illegal! I think..."

"Probably...only the priestesses are supposed to have access to it..."

"So... you_ stole_ it? You stole the sacred pneuma of the Delphian Oracle when no one was looking just so you could bring it home for a few cheap laughs?"

"Is that so bad?"

"Well...gee...There's no way to make it sound like an _achievement!..._good gods, Cassandra what made you _do_ such a thing?"

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Look, Hercules, you don't know what it's like to be me! You can't imagine what it's like to have horrific visions and thoughts plague you day and night and have no one ever take you seriously... you can't think of what it's like to have everybody hate you all the time cause you never have anything good to say and at the same time you know that dire things are just around the bend...and no one will listen to you!"

Icarus piped up. **_"I _**listen to you!"

_**"You**_ don't count!"

She looked up at Herc imploringly. "I **_hate_**... my curse... I **_hate_** being _me._...and maybe... I thought...if I try this stuff ...I'll have a positive vision for once...something that I can share with people and...I'll finally connect...and...and ..."

"...And maybe... "fit in?" Cassandra...you know that's not the way to go. No. Give it to me ...it's too dangerous. I'm going to destroy it."

"Not before I try it! I want to see what it's like...**_just this once..."_**

"Cass... no, it's too risky."

"The priestesses breathe it!"

"Those priestesses are used to the stuff, they know what they're doing-"

"OH, **_I'll_** try it!"Icarus sprang up suddenly and plucked the vial from Cass'es hand.

"Icarus, I really don't think that_** you**_ of all people should be doing this..." said Herc.

"What kindof crack is That supposed to be?... what's the big deal with breathing in a li'l rotting dead snake smoke? I mean...what's the _worst_ that could happen?"

"I don't know ...it's just... that..it's ...such a crazy idea..."

"I'm an inventor's son, Buddy, I'm used to crazy ideas."

Icarus uncapped the vial and took a deep breath.

"Wow...WOW!..."

Herc peered at him, worriedly.

Icarus took another breath, and another, and then another...and then collapsed like a colomn of sand. He lay smiling on the ground.

"That...is Really good snake..."

"Icarus, are you OK!"

"Never better, Buddy...how do I look?"

"Well...your eyes officially match. They're ** _both_** tiny and red, now."

"You should see them from the _inside!"_

"I think you've had quite enough"...

"No I have'nt!"Go away! I'm in my Happy Zone!"

"Icarus! you're gonna make yourself sick!"...

"Who cares? Gimme more!"

"Just... wait a minute, OK? ...let's just see if there are any bad side effects?...Icarus...Icarus...are you **_listening_** to me!"

"Yes, I am listening to you. And did you know that the giant butterflies of Thermopyle are coming to kill us?"

"Icarus!"

Cassandra reached for the vial. "OK. He seems fine to me. My turn."

"Cassandra!"

Suddenly Adonis came over with Helen and paused, looking curiously at the group. He saw immediately what was going on...and approved.

"Why _Jerkules_...I see you're not quite the square I thought you were!...who knew?"

"Well, I..."

**_"Where_** did you get this?" Adonis grabbed the vial and breathed in the smoke, letting a rapturous smile capture his turned to Helen who lifted it to her nose, and gulped with satisfaction.

"Oh Hercules, you're the _**beaniest!**_ Who'd have ever thought _you _of all people would get your hands on this stuff?"

Adonis nodded in satisfaction."It is exquisite, is'nt it?...Ooooo...the _essence_ of Python...I'm **_scaling _**the heights of ecstasy...{get it? scaling? Python?_get_ it?"}

Helen giggled. Her eyes were crossed.

Herc looked unhappily at his friends. He knew this was a bad idea...he Knew they were wrong. And Zeus forbid that Phil find out, oh my gods, Phil would turn him inside out if he knew!...but..but...well...he hated to be the only holdout. Once again, Herc the Outsider. Herc The Wonder Boy...Herc the Dork. ..maybe..for once...he could give it a try...maybe...it was'nt all that bad...after all, half his family up on Olympus was scrambled on nectar every chance they got ...who was _he_ to judge?...and how would Phil ever know? Hesitantly he uncapped the vial, and allowed the purple fumes to escape.

Icarus grinned approvingly. _"Atta _Boy!"

Herc breathed them in deeply, taking the smoke into his lungs, and they did'nt take long to work.

"Wow...That's..._**amazing..."**_

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Herc inhaled some more .He felt dizzy, and happy, and silly, and suddenly very relaxed. It was a wonderful feeling. Why would anyone NOT want to try this? He passed the pneuma back to his friends and they passed it back to him and in a short time everyone pretty much forgot about pretty much everything.

The result of all is was, of course, was Herc suddenly feeling Very hungry. He turned to Cassandra and announced it as though it were a very important event.

"I've got the major munchies!... ya know anything that would be good to eat right now?"

"Well... if memory serves...I seem to recall...the thing to do is...to eat chocolate...yeah...there's something called ...chocolate. But it won't be officially discovered"{Cass checked her sundial watch} "for a thousand years or so."

"Cool!"...Herc got up, staggered back a few feet and bumped into Pegasus, who glared at him in disapproval.

"Horsie!" Herc giggled, slapping his steed a little too hard on the rump." Let's me and you go for a ride, huh?"Where do I find this "chocolate" stuff?"

Cassandra thought for a moment.

"Amazon Basin. New World. Watch out for malaria. And the head hunters."

"Ok, I'll be right back!"answered Herc cheerfully, as if he were going to the leapt up on to Pegasus'es back and the two of them jumped into the sky.

Cassandra yawned, took another breath from the vial and stared off vacantly, watching Hercs and Pegasus disappear into the clouds. Icarus was curled up by her side. He had snuggled up against her arm more than once, and she shoved him angrily off, smacking his head on the wall. She felt a little bad about that, and wrapped her cloak into a bundle and slipped it under his head. He gave out a little snore and she looked at him in disgust. She took yet another breath of the fumes, and started to relax.

"You know what's funny"...she said out loud to no one in particular..."usually...you really get on my nerves. Gods... you're such a pain...you're always hanging around, you're always such a pest... I hear you yell.._. "Heyyyy Herc!"_ from like two miles away and it goes like a nail through my brain...you're... such a goof off and a screwup and _way _immature...but...then.. there's these other times... when I see you can be so right about things...and you're always there for me and Herc...and you understand **_exactly_** what I mean when I talk about something when no one else does, and our eyes will meet and we're so totally on the same page...and I know I'd rather**_ die_** than admit this... but we all have so much fun together...and I know deep down inside you're this really great guy and I can always depend on you...and sometimes?... you'll go and say this stuff that's so true..and so frickin' funny I literally have to walk away for a moment so I don't burst out laughing 'cause I don't want you to see me crack up...and I find myself thinking ..._**you're really kindov adorable**_ and I HATE myself for thinking that cause **_Ew,_** at the same time you're this pathetic disgusting weirdo dweeb who comes up to my chin and just the _thought _of thinking about you "like that" makes my stomach turn...but all of a sudden...thinking of you "like that"...it doe'snt really bother me that much right now..."

Cassandra rolled over and puckered up her lips. "You're so cute when I'm stoned," she purred. "Give us a _kiss."_

But Icarus snored on. He never heard a word.

In the meantime, bound on a munchie run, Herc sped out over the ocean, leaning forward on Pegasus'es back and urging his steed onwards through the night sky. A billion stars twinkled in the heavens, and hundreds of feet below him swelled the deep and majestic ocean .Exactly_ Which _ocean it was he was'nt sure, as he was a bit lost, and finding it very hard to pay attention. But knowing that the Earth was a big flat square wasinvaluable help, 'cause he figured all he had to do was keep going and going and gosh, he was bound to run into The New World sooner or later...right?..I mean...whereever you go...thats where ya are , right?...anyhoo...of course...it would have been better if he had bothered to ask exactly _what_ the New World was. Ah, no matter, as we said, the night sky was velvety black , and glittered with a field of diamonds, and as he flew through the night sky he waved happily to the Constellations who waved, rather creepily, back.

He felt a tremendous sense of power and freedom as he urged his steed faster and faster, and felt almost as though the two of them were merging into one creature...he felt _**that**_ powerful and wild. When he looked down and saw that instead of his sandled feet he had hairy white ankles and silver hooves he realized he was turning _Into_ Pegasus! ...or at least he **_thought_** he was...and when he looked up at the sky he saw _himself_ as a constellation, a mature handsome Herc and his body was made of those billion glittering stars...and Tempest and Helen, were **_also_** made of stars and wearing very _very_ short chitons... and kneeling before him offering him laurel wreaths of triumph, {for some particular reason he was'nt sure of.}...and he was about to make a speech and thank everyone for their well chosen plaudits when _Wham!_ he slammed stright into the constellation Scorpio, who lashed out at him with his stinger tail and wipe and knocked him cold.

Herc hurtled down down...down...down... and_ hit_ the water with the force of Zeus'es lightning bolt. It woke up Poseidon, who sat up in bed with a grumble, and banged his fist on the coral wall of his palace...which sent an _enormous_ wave lapping over the horizon, and this wave {rather conviniently}lifted the body of the unconscious Herc to shallower waters where he half floated and half swam onto the beach. Gasping and dragging himself out of the surf he barely had the strengh to lift his head and look around him when he passed out... and everything went black.

"Please sober up, Hercules. You are getting _very_ boring."

Herc opened his eyes and looked up to see an enourmously tall, rather handsome woman regarding him in deep disgust. She was wearing a full suit of Grecian armour and a gorgon's face peered disapprovingly from her shield.

Well _that's _something ya did'nt see every day.

He stared at her blankly for some moments until his recognition registered and then he smiled a lopsided dopey smile.

_"Athe-naaaa!.._. Goddess of..._What_ever...what's _up,_ Tootsie?""

Athena frowned. "Methinks... a bit of "intervention" is in order...Hercules!...on your feet...**NOW!"**

Herc tried to get up but could only struggle to his knees before he tottered over and collapsed in a dizzy spell. He lay on the sand looking up at the goddess and giggling.

**_"Herkie Fall Down Go Boom!"_**

"Yes. I see. Very amusing." Athena took her helmet off and nodded, filling it instantly with icy cold freezing water which she unceremoniously dumped over Herc's head. He yelled in surprise and leaped to his feet, whereupon she whacked him _very _hard with the dull side of her spear.

_"Wake_ up, Young Hercules, you're coked to the gills. It's _disgusting!" _

_"OW!_ "

And she whacked him again.

"HEYY!**_ OW!_**...I thought you intellectualized everything!" exclaimed Herc, rubbing his head.

"Goddess of Wisdom AND War, remember? I can get _tough _when I have to!"and she whacked him _again._

"Oww! **geeez, **now _that_ hurt!"

_"Good!"_

She raised her arm for another blow but he threw his hands in the air.

"I'm up! _I'm up! _I'm sober...OK?..please...stop, OK?"Herc looked around himself curiously and then panicked.

_**"Where's Pegasus!"**_

"Safe at home, you'll be happy to know", answered the Goddess._ "He's_ the one who brought you to my attention. You can thank Zeus for his having a little _horse_ sense."

Where..._am_ I, anyway?"?

"Off the Great Barrier Reef I believe...somewhere near Brisbane, Australia. Well, it _will_ be...in 2000 years."

"Oh... oh...that's not too good, is it? I was looking for the Amazon. I wanted some chocolate!"

"You mean... _this?"_ Athena reached into her pocket and pulled out a chunk of ambrosia.

Herc sniffed it and took a taste. "You mean.._.That's _what ambrosia is? ...and all thi_s time I never knew!"_

"You big dummy! Why do you think they called it..._..." the food of the_ gods?"

"Wow! this is _fantastic,"_ said Herc, licking his fingers.

"We got it from the Aztecs. Clever bunch. Gruesome, but clever."

_"This_ is delicious!

Athena nodded. "A bit fattening, but_ still_ nicer than eating a still- beating human heart."

"Can I have some more?"

"No. Get in the chariot!"

"Huh?" Herc glanced beyond her and spotted an elaborate red and gold chariot drawn by two _enormous _drooling canines.

"Wait...is'nt that... _Are's_ chariot?"

Athena flinched imperceptibly but answered in a careless manner.

"Oh..yes, so it _is._...well, I borrowed it for the weekend...{uh...without him_ knowing..."}_

"You borrowed your brother _Are's _chariot?... is'nt that... _**not..**_... like... a majorly good idea?

Athena raised her spear again. **"You** question the _Goddess of Wisdom!"_

"No! ...no no... not at all... I just thought he might...um..." Herc hurriedly changed the subject...".How did you get the Dogs of War so tame?"

"Oh, they know who's**_ Boss,"_** replied the goddess, tapping one brute smartly on the skull. "I told them that if they did'nt behave I'd have them _fixed._ I _still _might anyway._ That _would take the moxie out of my idiot war mongering brother Ares!...I'd like to get _**him **_fixed while we're at it...maybe _that_ would curb his insatiable desire to kick the living crap out of everything he sees!"

As if in response the dogs cringed even lower, and licked her sandals apologetically, whining with fear.

_"That_ might do it," agreed Herc, diplomatically.

"So anyway... get in, young Hercules, you may drive...I want to show you something _you_ need to see"...

"And, uh...where are we going?" asked Herc, taking the reins and getting his elbow joints yanked out as the hounds jerked forward. _"Whoa!_ little_ doggies!" _

"We're going to visit The Land of the Lotus Eaters. Make a left."

"I've heard of them!"

"Have you!"

"Yes," said Herc, "Odysseus mentions him in his travel guide."

"And do you _know _what they do?"

"Well... I guess they're a...a bunch of people who eat lotuses all day...right?...so what's the big deal?"

The goddess smiled grimly.

"You'll see for _yourself."_

The island lay far, far out to sea, and, approaching it from above Herc thought it resembled a sparkling jewel on the bosom of the ocean. {Classy, huh?}

But the jewel comparison ended the moment they made landfall on one end of the rocky coast. At first glance, Herc thought the place was uninhabited, 'cause it might as well have been. There were no boats in the harbour, no activity on the broken-down wharf. There are few places as busy in the world as a Greek fishing village, but no one was to be seen, nothing was happening, and a peaceful eerieness pervaded the atmosphere.

Herc hopped out of the chariot and took a look around. "Looks like there's no one home...there's absolutely no one around!"

"It would seem that way...any...hero-in-training theories as to _why?""_

"Well... it can only mean one of two things... either the plague's in town...or they're all sleeping off a group orgy!" Herc answered, grinning feebly and attempting a joke. Which was _always _a mistake with Athena.

"Neither, as you'll see," said the goddess coldly, arching her eyebrows at him. "Keep walking. And by the way," she said, disappearing into the air with a wave of her hand, "I prefer to remain invisible at the moment, as I do not wish to distract from the proceedings...but ...I'll be here, right in your vicinity, so don't worry."

"Oh..well...ok"... Herc started to walk towards the end of the dock. Tied to a fence by a tree he saw a small burro, hee hawing plaintively for water. Herc loosened the animal's ropes and got it some water to drink and the animal gratefully licked his hands. It's muzzle was cracked and dry, and it's eyes were sunken in. "You poor thing!" exclaimed Herc," you have'nt drunk anything in _days!"_

Irritated at the lack of concern for the animal Herc looked around for the owner. Off in the distance he saw a man meandering pointlessly under some olive trees.

Ok, thought Herc, _now_ we'll get some answers.

He strode up to the man, and tried to get his attention with a wave.

"Greetings, good stranger...Sir...excuse me...uh...but...my name is Hercules, and, I was wondering, are _you_ the owner of that poor burro over there?"

"What... burro?"

_"That_ burro!"

"No..I mean..._what's_ a burro?"

_"What's_ a burro?...it's a little donkey!...a little furry donkey...like that one over _there_"...Herc pointed to the animal, but the man just stared at him. Herc thought for a moment and tried another tack. "Excuse me, but I've just arrived on your island, and I was curious to see what it was like..." He held out his hand. "uh...my name is "Hercules."

The man stood there, still staring at him.

Herc repeated himself.

The man_ still _stared... and then looked down at the ground at Herc's feet.

"Cool sandals."

Herc was non-plussed. "Uh...yeah...they are...I got them in Athens..."

They stared at each other some more. Herc began to get the feeling he was'nt getting anywhere.

"So...Sir...can you... tell me which way is "downtown?"

"Huh?"

"Can ...you point me to town? your village? where you _live?" _said Herc, getting impatient.

"HUH?"

"Where you **live?** _where's the village?_ the place of all your homes, your dwellings? where do you sleep at night? where do you prepare your meals? I mean, where you live, work and play?"

The man smiled at Herc and tapped himself on the forehead. "Oh _wow._..**way **too many questions!"

Herc scowled and muttered to the invisible Athena. "What's _wrong_ with this guy? what's _his _problem?"

Athena's voice struggled to hide her laughter."In the words of your mortal friends..."_You ain't seen nothin' yet, Baby!"_

Herc frowned, and looked over the man's shoulder into the distance. He spied a broken down stone path that led from the beach into the woods so Herc instinctually followed it. His confused companion, with evidently nothing else to do, fell into step along by his side.

"Ok... let's start at the beginning," said Herc."What's your name?"

"My name? my name...yes. I have one."

"Well...?"

"Gimme a second...I'm processing...ok... right. It's... "Apatheticles."

"Your _name_ is ..._Apatheticles?"_

"How did you _know?_"exclaimed the man, visibly impressed."Wow! are you an _oracle?"_

_"You just told me!_..**_..Arrrgh!"_** Herc hit his forehead with his fist. "OK...now for the biggie..._What's _the name of this island?"

"I dunno. I'm not sure...I can't remember"...

"Is it... the "Land of the Lotus Eaters?"

The man brightened..."yeah...yeah..._that's _it!...wow...you're _really _good!"

"Ok.._.now_ were getting somewhere. So.._.exactly_... what do you_ do_ here?"

"We eat lotuses."

"Yeah..._.and._...?"

"We eat lotuses."

"That's... _all?"_

"Uhhh ...I...maybe... Lemme think... _Yup_. Lotuses. "

Herc furrowed his brow. "But...what do you do for _work? _I mean...how do you earn a _living?"_

"Living...?"

"Well...how do you get... stuff? that you need? things? How do you get your_ clothes, _for instance?"

"I'm not sure." The man thought for a moment. "I guess we trade for them. Lotuses, mostly."

By now Herc and his befuddled companion had reached the village...or what _would_ have been a good place for one. But in the area where tidy little houses ringed with veggie gardens and pens for animals should have been there was nothing but a bunch of pathetic lean-to shacks. Some were no more than a bunch of tree branches twisted together with vines leaning up against a rock. The best hut had the remains of one stone wall supporting a huge hollowed out log covered with a fishing net.

"Who lives here?"

"The mayor, I think...Wait...I...oh, that's _me!.._.maybe..."

Herc threw his hands up in exasperation.

"_You're_ the mayor?...Good Sweet _Apollo!.._.where are all the**_ people?_** and who in Hades is really in_ charge_ around here?"

"Oh...people...well...they're...kinda all over...and no one's really in charge...but most of them are in the town square, I guess. I'll take you...if I remember where it is..."

_"Now _were getting somewhere," said Herc, but his relief was short lived...the town square was merely an empty clearing with a broken fountain in the middle of it. Herc could see the fountain was broken because there was no water gushing forth from it, but that did not stop a couple of women from doing their washing there, rubbing their clothes under the invisible stream. But they did'nt seem to mind, cause they were laughing too hard. Each direction Herc looked in he saw people floating by, relaxed, indolent and totally spaced out... everywhere there was evidence that absolutely_ nothing _was getting done...'cause there was no energy to do it. They certainlycouldn't have gotten a good group orgy going to save their _lives._

"Nobody's_ ...doing_ anything!...

"So?"

"Well...how can you run a country... a...a _society_ if everyone's _high_ all the time?"

"Works for_ us.._...We pretty much keep to ourselves, anyway...most of the time"...

"But don't you ever have to deal with outsiders?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you ...interact with the rest of the world? have tourism?...trade with other islands? are'nt you afraid of invaders?"

Apatheticles stopped walking and thought hard. "Well...we don't get a lot of visitors here...except maybe for that _one _guy...and he was just lost..."

"Odysseus?"

_"That's_ the guy!...man, are you _smart!"_

Herc hit his forehead again.

Well...so..anyway... _that _was Land of the Lotus Eaters. The fishing nets were torn to shreds and lay limply in piles at the rotting wharf. The olive groves were untouched, the vineyards lay fallow and abandoned. Animals wandered as aimlessly as their owners, starving and untended. The roads, such as they were, obviously had'nt been patched up in years. There were no homes, no temples, no stores, no schools. But the worst thing of all was, the place was boring as hell. As Herc continued his tour his anger and disgust grew with every new disapointment. Everywhere you looked there were people lying around...lounging, sleeping, staring...with a smile on their face...and a dead look of nothingness in their eyes.

"This is worse than _Study Hall!_," sputtered Herc indignently.

Athena's voice chimed back."_That_ bad, eh? Yes...well I'm glad you can see that for yourself."

"I mean...I can't _believe _this," said Herc..."these guys have ...totally reverted...this place is strictly _Copper_ Age!"...

"Who are you, like...talking to?" asked Apatheticles.

"Oh...uh... no one," said Herc hurriedly.

"Your invisble_... friend?" _grinned the man. "It's OK, don't be embarrassed...we All have invisble friends here!"

"No..I _was'nt!"..._

"Hey... nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my_ best _friends are invisble!"

_"Icarus_ should be here," thought Herc grimly. "They'd give _him_ the freakin' keys to the city!"

Apatheticles looked at him. "Are you ok? ...you want something to eat?""

"Well..._now _yer talking!.I'm _starved!"_

Herc looked hopefully beyond the fellow and searched for a restaurant or a cook shop or even a camp fire...but saw nothing resembling food preparation going on.

Apatheticles walked into one of the shacks and came back with several lotus flowers. They resembled a modern day water lily, and had a thick, fleshy white root. The man took a bite and his eyes rolled back into his head in ecstasy.

"Hmmm..._that's _good...low calorie, no trans-fats. And a_ one _way ticket to Olympus!"

Herc threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Don't you ever eat _real_ food?"

"This IS real food! real_ ...Goood_ food!"

"No... I mean..really serious_ food._...grains and meat and ...fruit and fish and vegetables?"

"What are _those?"_

"Well... it's what_ most _people eat when they're hungry...I"-

Herc's attention was caught by the sound of a baby screaming."You hear that?"

"What?"

Herc got up and started running towards the sound.

Apatheticles raised his eyebrows.

"Hey! where are you _going?_ you have'nt finished your _lily!._.oh well," he muttered to himself"...more for _me!"_

Following the sound of the cries Herc found a little child, not more than a few months old, lying face down in a deep watery ditch, unable to turn himself over and almost choking in mud and tears. His mother sat unconcernedly by, chewing peacefully on a lily stem.

"Mam, your _baby!"_ yelled Herc, "He's in _trouble!"_

She looked at Herc without a flicker of interest in his she held out her lily to him.

"Want some?"

"Oh, Sweet_ Hermes!" _Herc jumped into the ditch and scooped up the child, wiping his face with the edge of his cloak and attempting to soothe it. Then he reached it over to it's mother. She smiled briefly.

"Thanks. My name is Inertia."

"Inertia?"

She held up a lily._"Sure_ you dont want any?" Herc scowled at her, so she broke off a chunk of lily root and handed it to her baby. He started to gnaw on it, and promply fell asleep with a smile on his dirty little face.

Herc stood there with his jaw dropped open. Whatta country!He looked up into the sky and cupped his hands to his mouth.

"Athena? are you there, still? I've seen enough!...You made your point!"

"I _always_ do!" Athena reappeared out of the thin air standing beside her borrowed war chariot. Herc could'nt notice that it had been painted bright pink with a big Happy Face on both sides.

Herc stopped in his tracks. "Good... _gods!"_

Athena saw his expression and grinned evilly.

"You like it? I thought it was _so_ considerate of Ares to lend me his chariot that I had it _detailed_ for him!"

She leaned over and rearranged the dog's rheinstone collars, and Herc could'nt help notice the mighty war dogs had been dyed a cheery hot pink as well. .He burst out laughing.

"I'm glad I'm living on Earth these days, that's gonna be one _Olympic _hullabaloo.!"

"You think?"Athena grinned pleasurably like a little girl ."I _do_ so love it when Are's blood pressure goes up...I'm hoping to spike it one day... get him to _really_ blow his stack!_"_

"I'd say the chances for that were were pretty good," said Herc, examining the dog's neatly trimmed purple claws..."anyway...I want to thank you for getting me here...and showing me...this place...I think I understand what you mean now."

"Anytime, Young see...whether it's the "pneuma" or the lily roots...the effect is the same. Human potential is tragically wasted. I'm just glad you did'nt get so hooked on that nonsense I could'nt get through to you. Many people _never_ get the point, you know."

She glanced over Herc's shoulder and he turned around. Apatheticles was walking on his hands in a big circle.

"I know...once you're hooked..it can be bad...I guess...I was kinda immune to it ...being part god. I mean...I was able to come out of it faster. And... I really don't care for any more...I mean...it _was_ interesting ...but I can take it or leave now that I know what kind of effect it can have on people..especially mortals...wow...it's just not worth it..."

"Well that's not apparently the opinion shared by the rest of your classmates."

"I 've _got_ to stop this thing from going on any longer!" said Herc resolutely.

"Spoken like the young hero I know...and_ love."_ Athena leaned over and gave Herc a kiss, and then a sharp rap on the head.

"Zeus gave you a BRAIN!_ Use_ it!"

Hades stared out of the window of his Underworld office, barely paying any attention whatsoever to Pain's annoyingly gritty voice. He thought he'd just recognized someone floating by, and it_ looked_ like someone who had owed him money, but he could'nt be sure. It had been a busy morning, and the Lord of the Underworld had sent his minions out on a routine spying mission to see what was going on at Pro Ac, as rumours about teens getting high on campus had been spreading, and that had a_ lot _of potential. It was the kind of situation Hades liked to get in on the "ground floor" of. Pain and Panic had hot news fresh off the press, and were hopping up and down excitedly...but the Master was too distracted by the corpse of Money Guy sailing past the window to concentrate properly.

"Boss, you even_ listenin'_ to us?" whined Panic."It's the _pneuma!_...that's what's driving them _whacko!"_

"Huh?...did you say...the .._puma?_...what...you mean a large North American wildcat is getting them high?"

"No! not the _puma! the pne-uma!_

"Pneu-_ma...?"_

"It's the stink off the body of Python, Boss. Gaia's daughter? dontcha remember? Apollo whacked her a few years ago in that big battle?"

Hades whirled around in a blast and faced his minions.

_"And they have'nt cleaned that up yet?"_

Pain shrugged. "Apparently not."

Hades finally let his attention be drawn from the window and he regarded his minions with new interest.

."So... _let's _make sure we're on the same_ page_ here...there's a big dead rotten snake lying under a cracked rock in a temple stinking up the joint and the mortals think it imparts holy visions? No...no.._no no no no no no_...It _can't_ be this easy!"

Panic nodded. "But wait! it gets even_ better,_ Boss! these fumes kinda make the mortals actually go out of their minds ..."

"You mean more than _usual?_"

"Along with the weird visions their thoughts are slowed down and clouded, they're so relaxed and happy they don't feel like doing anything and they're **totally** disorganized!"

"Yeah", added Pain, "you should see the Pro Ac campus, Boss...it's the Happiest Place On Earth...everybody's just lyin' around..._smiling!_

"So...it's like ambrosia for humans!"

"They can't get enough it. Course, it's illegal for just that reason. If everyone wandered around breathin' it in 24/7 the whole city would collapse..._nothing _could get done."

Hades grinned. "Oh I think PLENTY will get done, Boys..._plenty_ will get done...starting _...right _now..."

To be continued...


End file.
